I had already said a private farewell to Mum at the funeral home on Saturday. I had no need personally to attend the funeral to grieve with others, but I did so to show respect for this most human tradition. This funeral would be an opportunity for others to pay their last respects too and to offer comfort to the bereaved family.
Initially, I had planned to be absent from my mother’s funeral because I was fully aware of the consequences of leaving the Watchtower religion -- Jehovah's Witnesses cut off and shun family and friends who dare to leave. I wished to avoid confrontation at such a sensitive time as I was afraid of acting improperly if I was emotionally upset. Also, I had no desire ever again to enter a Kingdom Hall. However, after talking to loving friends and listening to their counsel, I decided to attend although I had been cut out of the funeral arrangements already.
On Friday 9 November, I had called at my mother’s apartment on my way home, offering to discuss arrangements with Gillian, my older half-sister. (I had not seen her since before she had phoned me, very angry and distraught, to tell me that Mum had died. On the Thursday, I had sent her money which covered all immediate expenses. She had insisted on arranging everything). Two Jehovah's Witnesses arrived. It was apparent that Gillian intended to travel to the cemetery in the car of one of these women. When I suggested calmly that it might be more appropriate for her to travel with her brother to our mother’s funeral, she became very angry and abusive in front of the embarrassed women observers, so the matter was dropped.
I arrived at Seafield Cemetery, Edinburgh at 1.30 p.m. on Monday, as instructed. My foster-brother and my cousin were with me. My cousin had travelled by train from London. After stopping at the reception area and rest room, we walked together to the graveside. Several JWs were standing there. When I saw elder John Avinou alone, I said “Hello John” and he quietly responded, “Hello Tony”.
The hearse arrived. There was a wreath which Gillian had chosen for us and a wreath of white lilies from my American girlfriend. There was another wreath also, but (sorry) I do not recall the name
A man approached. He shook my hand and introduced himself as Fred Graham. I had heard my mother and sister speak well of him. He was one of very few elders that she liked. [She would not have been pleased to see some of the hypocrites who attended her funeral. Mum had little fear of “elders who do not follow the Bible. I tell them they’re wrong! They’re not Christians”. So Mum had requested that Mr Graham conduct the service. We exchanged pleasantries. Mr Graham told me that this service might be difficult for him as he had recently buried his own close relative. I wished him well and reassured him.
My sister arrived crying, in the company of JW friends. When I approached her, she said hello and shook my hand. We walked to the foot of the grave and stood beside Fred Graham. Facing us, at the head of the grave and standing on the path, were the Drydens, whom I have known some 45 years To our right there stood about 30 people, mostly from Slateford Kingdom Hall, all of them Jehovah's Witnesses, so far as I know. I was acquainted with most of them.
At 2 p.m., the service began. The undertakers lowered my mother’s coffin into the grave. Fred Graham began speaking.. He told us that Meriol was born in 1921 and that, as the Scriptures say, she had had “special mightiness” in achieving 80 years of life. She had lived through historic times and had been particularly proud of her war service in the RAF (WAAFs). He read out her Service Number and said that many service personnel remember that number for the rest of their lives.
[My sister had requested this. I was a surprised by its inclusion since I knew that JWs disapprove of even “the just war”. They disfellowship any of their members who participate in National Service (including civilian services, until recently). So I was interested to see how this “memorable war service” would be discounted by the Witness preacher]
Fred Graham continued that mother had made a much more important decision in July 1956 when she had been baptised after learning “Bible truth as taught by Jehovah's Witnesses”. Thereafter, she served the Prince of Peace and hoped for the wonderful Kingdom and worldwide peace "soon" under His rule. [This will occur after “Jehovah” annihilates everyone “soon" at Armageddon if they do not accept the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses]
He told the mourners that, in 1965, shortly after her baptism, the family made a great sacrifice to go to Stranraer in southwest Scotland to “serve where the need was great”.
[That is true. Mum sold our Edinburgh family home for a song (its present value is over £100,000) and took us to live in a 26 feet long mobile home in southwest Scotland. At the time of her death, she was living on a basic State Pension of less than $100 US per week, in a multi-storey, rented council flat, in a deprived neighbourhood of Edinburgh]
Mr Graham repeated what Gillian had written in the “Edinburgh Evening News” notice -- that Mum had fought “a twenty years battle with chemcal allergies”. (She suffered a stroke, in fact). During this time, Gillian had cared for her and Gillian had listened to her complaints and “our dear sister, Gillian” had been there supporting her in her illness. He told us that the last time he saw Meriol, she had expressed the wish to be "out doing her route calls" [Watchtower literature distribution], if she hadn’t been so unwell.
Fred Graham quoted Job 14:14 and told us that, like Job, Meriol had suffered illness and that like Job, she too believed in a resurrection, “according to the truth taught by Jehovah's Witnesses”. He also mentioned Revelation 22:2 about the healing power of trees and linked this with Mum’s preference for [very costly] homeopathy. Finally, he spoke of “the sting of death mentioned in Corinthians” and that “death is painful just like a sting, but the pain will be removed by the resurrection".
[This is a false teaching of the Watchtower, repeated by the elder -- 1 Cor:15:57 says that sin is the sting producing death and the context shows that the raising to incorruption in heaven comes about by “the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”]
Mr Graham told us that the resurrection will be wonderful. Meriol will come back to us “soon” and will not be an old woman, but will be young again and we all will be unable to keep up with her as she runs along happily ahead of us.
[This was the entire substance of the “comfort from the Bible” that Jehovah's Witnesses offer the bereaved. Jesus Christ, “the Resurrection and the Life”, was simply the “postage stamp” on the end of the “prayer to Jehovah” later. It is interesting to note that there were no readings from the Gospels, but then, Jesus’ words are rather powerful -- notice e.g. John 3:15-18; 5:24-30; 10:25-30; 11:23-26; 14:1-14; 20:24-31]
This was the end of the funeral talk. Mr Graham now invited JW elder Dennis Kerrigan to pray. During this prayer, I looked around at the other mourners, their eyes tightly closed. I saw frightened and pathetic people, without real hope, mourning the passing of their colleague and friend who, like most of us, had been fully expecting “Armageddon soon” nearly 30 years ago in 1975. Only my friend returned my quiet look as we listened to the “Watchtower infomercial” prayer.
Mr Kerrigan’s prayer was fairly typical of the JW religion. It was an opportunity to tell a captive audience what the speaker has failed to mention and what they should know and remember. After reminding us that Meriol had realised her mistake in thinking that her war service was of any value at all and that her decision to accept “Bible truth as preached worldwide by Jehovah's Witnesses” was far more important, he reminded the congregation to care for “our dear sister Gillian” and support Gillian and help Gillian and encourage Gillian. Finally, he had a word of "comfort" -- a veiled threat -- for Meriol’s son. “We hope that “Tony” will take this opportunity to review his standing before Jehovah” [because if I don’t, I’ll be annihilated by their nasty tribal war god, with six billion other people, “soon", at Armageddon.]
After this, the undertakers came to lower a protective cover over Mum’s coffin. I stepped forward quietly and dropped a small straw cross with a poppy attached, into the grave.
[Witnesses teach that ”the cross is pagan” -- “Jesus died on a “torture stake”, an upright pole" -- but Christians know what the Bible says. The cross reminds us of the resurrection and the power of God over death -- 1 Cor. 1:18-25]
The service was over. I was pleasantly surprised that it had taken less than fifteen minutes. Fred Graham turned to me, shook my hand firmly and said, “Thanks for coming Tony” to which I replied, “On the contrary, it is to be expected that I should attend my mother’s funeral. Thank you for coming".
I told Gillian that our cousin had arrived by train the day before from London [over 400 miles way]. I introduced my foster-brother whom she had last seen some 30 years ago. This "worldly man" gave her a big hug and expressed his sorrow.
Then with Gillian, Fred Graham and I briefly discussed what should be done with the cards and flowers. I asked if there should be a receiving line to allow the mourners to meet and comfort the family, but no attempt was made to do this and I realised that, so long as I was standing there, no-one would approach. Therefore, I decided to talk to a few of the mourners myself.
First, I walked five yards to Bill and Gladys Dryden, long-time friends of my mother. I extended my hand and thanked Bill for coming. He shook it and said hello. Gladys too, shook my hand and said a few kind words about her friendship with Meriol, my mother.
Then, as the son of the deceased, I walked along the larger group, thanking various strangers and acquaintances, including elder Neil Graham, for attending. None replied. I stopped before elder Gus Campbell, looked him in the eye, extended my hand and thanked him for coming. He said nothing, but glared at me. If looks could kill, I would be dead, many times over. Next to him was elder John Avinou who had said hello earlier. I offered him my hand and said, “Thank you for coming John”. He put his hands into his pockets and looked away, saying nothing.
I walked up to elder Dennis Kerrigan who had been praying publicly less than five minutes earlier. The bereaved son extended his hand and thanked him for coming. He looked at me, then turned around quickly, colliding with others in his haste, and walked away without a word.
I walked over to Derek Ritchie whom I had not seen for about twenty years and offered my hand and said, “Thank you for coming, Derek”. He shook my hand firmly and offered his condolences and asked about my health and welfare. I thanked him and told him I was fine and very happy with my life in general
Finally, as the group was breaking up a little, I returned toward my sister. I walked around behind Ewan MacPherson who had apparently come straight from his window-cleaning work. [Ewan had dropped out from a Maths degree at Edinburgh University 30 years ago to follow the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses and had received a “Bible study” from me. He had been Best Man at my wedding]. He was standing quietly, head bowed. As I passed, I said, “Thanks for coming Ewan”. He did not turn around, but reached behind him and squeezed my arm quickly and with emotion said, “I’m really sorry about your mother, Tony”.
Before leaving, I asked Gillian where we would be going for refreshments. She said she did not know. She repeated this several times and said it had “all been arranged for her” and "she didn’t know the details". At no time did anyone approach to invite me or our visiting cousin or my friend to continue with the funeral party for refreshments.
Everyone left and I took my companions for coffee before taking my cousin to Edinburgh Waverley railway station for his 5 hours' journey home. After that, I visited my foster-mother whom I have known since infancy. She opened the door and, as usual, said, "Come on in, Son. It's nice to see you. I'll put the kettle on". And she made me very welcome.
Anthony Roberts
Edinburgh, Scotland
Postscript: My Aunt's Funeral
My mother's sister died aged 88, nine months later. After further deterioration of her health, she had been given a choice by her doctor: accept medical treatment to extend her life by 6 months perhaps, or she would live only 48 hours. She said she had had a good life and chose the latter. Sure enough, after saying her farewells to her children, she died on August 28th. 2002.
Over the years, I had had little contact with my “worldly” relatives. This was mostly because of the Watchtower teaching that “worldly” relatives and friends are ruled by Satan and his world -- “Bad associations [non-JWs] spoil useful habits..... What fellowship does light have with darkness?” etc, an intentional misuse of Paul’s words in Corinthians.
In keeping with the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses that I had been taught since infancy, I had never sent birthday cards or Christmas card to any relatives, although occasionally, I had sent calendars, and letters too, thanking them for the birthday gifts or money they had kindly sent me.
I determined therefore, that I would attend and support this funeral on 4th. September, even if it was a little late in the day for my aunt. I had last seen her in 1968 when I had attended the National Sea Training School in my very short career in the British Merchant Navy [I gave it up within one year as “it was interfering with my religion” and JW meetings attendance].
I travelled the 450 miles to the south coast of England where I was received very kindly by my male and female cousins. My male cousin visited us regularly over the years. With his wife, he had flown at great expense to my wedding 30 years earlier, to spend just a couple of hours before returning south. I had not seen my female cousin since 1961 when we were children. She had changed slightly! I was made very welcome by both.
On the day of the funeral, a few family friends came to the house and we set off for the crematorium in the cars. The service, attended by nearly 30 people, was very different from the funeral for my mother.
The very first words of the minister were, “I am the Resurrection and the Life. Whosoever believes in me, even though he dies, shall live, and whosoever lives and believes in me, shall never die at all” (John 11). Clearly, this was a Christian funeral! Then there were readings of Psalm 23 and John 14 and comments on these.
Music was Elgar's "Enigma Variations", "Pie Jesu" and "Oh God, Our Help in Ages Past". As is customary in a Christian funeral, a short eulogy was read by my cousin. He told us about his mother’s life and extensive achievements without discrediting them in any way. It was a "normal", ordinary life.
At 18, when their mother died suddenly, my aunt accepted the responsibility of being a mother to her younger sister, Meriol, aged 11. But she still made time for life-long friendships, education [London School of Economics with left wing radicals such as Laski, Beveridge and Power], social work with the poor, violinist and pianist with the Civil Service orchestra, further study, then Home Economics lecturer, writer, marriage, family and enjoying retirement fully and in financial security with her husband until his death ten years ago etc
After prayer and a few moments’ silence, we returned to the family home where everyone received hospitality. The funeral was attended not only by relatives and friends, but also by my aunt’s carers and neighbours and her gardener and his wife. There was no unpleasantness or coldness or inappropriate behaviour at all. After an hour or so, the friends left and later, I returned with my cousin and his family to stay overnight in London, where I was made welcome, before I returned to Scotland the following day.
Copyright (c) 2002 and 2015 Witness Aid UK
Anthony - unbelievably cruel behaviour from some at your mother's funeral and then to be excluded from the post-funeral gathering ... and the contrast of your mother's life and funeral with that of her sister - thank you for sharing your experiences so honestly and openly.
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